The Show Must Go On

And then I surrendered. To the soft. And the sweet. And the sorrow. Not shying away. Allowing each inhale and exhale to source a new life in my cells from their exchange. Let this teach you. Within each release, lives an offering. What we let go of creates room for beginnings… Your winter may last for days, months, lifetimes. But do not mistake this as a dead bloom. Forever closed off to others. For this season isn’t for rising, just yet. This season is for letting the light pour itself into our emptied hands. Let this teach you. – @danielledoby

When we got the confirmation that IVF would be our only option, I felt I needed a break. From blogging. From talking about fertility. I just needed time to sit with everything, the last few months, everything that had come to light and everything else in-between. I always said that with blogging about fertility that I would write when I feel like it, when it comes to me, because the thing is our lives are so multi-dimensional and multi-faceted and so are we as people. And so while yes, dealing with infertility has been a real struggle for me, the break from it all gave me a renewed perspective about how much light we let in or don’t let in into our lives sometimes because we are holding onto a feeling, a struggle. Making room and time for other parts of my life made me feel whole again, functional, instrumental in the construction of who I am trying to be and the life I am trying to lead. I’ve been able to make time for joy too, meeting/connecting with my friends and occupying spaces that remind me of who I am. A long while before this I had unfollowed all the #tryingtoconceive hashtags on Instagram because I found it overwhelming to be trying to conceive yet seeing sad stories almost daily from the trying to conceive community. I fully sympathize with everyone in this community and I fully understand just how hard it can be but the sensationalism that can come with social media was too much for me. I am exactly the same with the News, I don’t watch or read the News… because my spirit cannot handle a constant stream of bad/terrifying messages, I am just not made for it. And I have always been one to choose my wellbeing over ‘general information’.

When we first began our investigations, I was very keen on knowing everything. I googled everything, I read and watched everything I could find but none of it ever made me feel at ease. What pacified my anxiety was attending each of our appointments and finding out more about our fertility health. The KNOWING, that real concrete knowing about our situation SPECIFICALLY put me more and more at ease with each appointment. Because the thing is, what you find on google is often generalised, and what you find on IG is often unique to that individual/couple. If your own fertility issues do not apply to either you can often be left feeling more in the dark and feeling like something is really wrong with you. And so now, I have really come into a space of surrendering. To the truth. Our truth. Not speculation. Not generalised information. Even up to now we are still finding out and learning new things with each of our appointments. At my last one, at the IVF clinic, I found out that I was VERY fertile. Something that I feel contradicts what the previous specialists were saying to me regarding my irregular cycle. They told me I was so fertile that they are worried I might over-respond to treatment which would not be ideal and so I will be having a milder IVF than normal. In March we thought we would have had one cycle of IVF by now and we were wondering what it would be like to be pregnant around Christmas. The point I am trying to make is this… surrendering does not mean you are giving up hope, not at all, for me, it simply means I am giving up trying to dictate the eventualities and timeframes around our fertility journey and just giving it all up to God, to science, and to intention. We have a true desire to be parents and I believe God will meet that desire and the science will facilitate our preferred outcome.

I mentioned before that I haven’t cried about this for quite a while now (about 5months) and some of that has to do with my puppy Leo, the sweetest puppy you will ever know!, but a lot of it has to do with just resetting my mindset. When I went to my first appointment at the IVF clinic, I went on my own, it was just a blood test so I figured I’ll be fine but when I got there I got overwhelmed with so much emotion and the other people in the waiting room were all couples and I started welling up and before things got out of hand, I got called in by the nurse and she was very matter of fact about everything – because I mean it was just a blood test – and I left after like 5mins and I just thought to myself, what on earth was all that near-crying about!? Our minds can trick us into emotion but we can also use our minds to control our emotion and I’ve really been trying to practice this. I have been thinking a lot about if/when I actually fall pregnant and have a baby and I keep imagining myself holding this baby and looking back at how s/he came about and I would hate for the memory to be that of pain and sorrow. I want my children to be conceived/birthed from a place of balance, a place of intention, the right energies, a place of faith. I think often about how when you are trying to conceive and there are no issues, you are making love or enjoying the pleasure of connection between you and your significant other. I think so much about the fact that we don’t have that opportunity and we won’t have the wonderful surprise of taking a test and voila! The IVF process is a process of scheduling, everything is controlled and dictated, to the T. So my mind has really been centered on how can I recreate the bliss of spontaneous (natural) conception in this simulated and very unnatural process. Disclaimer; I say bliss to mean just the sheer unknown and I say unnatural for the lack of a better word – all routes to parenthood are valid. When you go through IVF you know too much because EVERYTHING is scheduled and because it seems so scientific and fool-proof (which it really isn’t – 38% success rate for under 35s)  it can be very hard to deal with when that doesn’t work out. And I feel that my surrendering to the smaller unknown that you have with IVF will help me accept any eventuality with grace.

Because the truth is… The Show MUST Go On. Right after my near-crying blood test appointment, and I mean 2 mins after I got a call for an interview for a job which I went on to secure. A job opportunity that has been a long time in the making and I am so excited for. Like I said before we are so multidimensional and we live multifaceted lives and the one thing infertility has taught me is to keep it moving. You simply do not have a choice, because you still have to work, be a wife, be a friend, a sister. We allowed our desire to become parents consume a huge part of our lives and we put a lot of things on hold because were always planning for that baby. I don’t subscribe to that way of living anymore and instead, I want to be like water; occupying spaces that welcome me and moving past ones that do not. I also want balance. My only life mantra is to always seek balance in EVERYTHING. While my desire for a baby is very real and very strong, I also desire to be happy with what I have, as I am. As we approach our 3-year mark (in Jan 2020) of trying to conceive, ‘I will not mistake it as a dead bloom. For this season isn’t for rising, just yet.’ But in other aspects, January marks new beginnings, which one must make room for, for the light to enter; starting IVF and starting my new job.

The Show Must Go On. ‘And I surrender to the soft, the sweet and the sorrow’. Have a wonderful Christmas with your loved ones and a happy arrival into the New Year.

Love & (all of the) Light(s)

Noni x

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